The Butt Side of Parenting

Christians are entrusted by God with an amazing task: not only to care for our children but to teach them to walk in accordance with God’s ways. Christian parenting is not about behavior modification but about gospel-transformation. It’s introducing our children to Jesus that they may taste of God’s grace and be radically changed from the inside out. Christian parenting is shepherding. It’s leading and guiding our children to be love-filled, faith-filled, hope-filled followers of Jesus. Toward that end Christian parents are to employ two key strategies: 1) corrective discipline and 2) formative instruction. Both are needed.

Formative instruction is teaching so that it forms a specific kind of life. It’s speaking God’s Word into the hearts of our children that their hearts may be transformed. Jesus said in John 17:17 that we are sanctified by God’s truth and that God’s word is truth. The way we become mature love-filled, faith-filled, and hope-filled followers of Jesus is through God’s truth. Our children need formative instruction in order to grow in their faith. In a recent sermon (2/28/16) I discussed formative instruction. To listen to that message click here: Real Life Christian Parents.

In this post I’d like to briefly discuss corrective discipline. By corrective discipline I mean actually disciplining our kids when they do wrong—punishing them when they act in a manner contrary to God’s Word. Proverbs 13:24 says – He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. Proverbs 22:15 says – Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child. The rod of discipline will remove it far from him.

The Bible calls on parents to beat the foolishness out of our kids. I’m totally kidding. The Bible never endorses abuse. There’s no place in God’s creation for hurting and harming children. However, God does call parents to lovingly discipline their children.

Corrective discipline is more than just spanking. It also includes time-outs, taking away toys and privileges—car keys, smart phone—and grounding. However, I want to speak to how to spank because I suspect there’s a lot of misunderstanding about it. First, it’s never to be done in anger. It’s to be done in a spirit of love—in the Spirit of Christ. If you’re mad, take the time to calm down first.

Second, check your motives. We don’t spank because it made us angry; we do so because we want to train in righteousness. I wonder how much discipline gets neglected because it didn’t rile us up. Maybe we thought it was cute, or in the moment it didn’t seem like that big a deal. But disobedience is disobedience. Ungodliness is ungodliness. We spank because we want our children to learn the difference between right and wrong. That’s the motive.

Third, always explain what was wrong and why it was wrong. Engage them in a calm conversation. Ask them to explain why it was wrong to make sure they understand. It’s cruel to spank if they don’t know what was wrong and what they’re supposed to learn.

Fourth, share the gospel. Tell them God loves them and wants what’s best for them. Tell them Jesus died for their sin on the cross and that God offers free forgiveness. Their disobedience is an opportunity to share the gospel—to explain that Jesus took their ultimate punishment. It’s the gospel, not spanking, that changes the heart. That’s the transformation we’re after.

Fifth, it’s gotta sting. We’re not trying to injure our kids. We don’t want to cause bruises or welts. That’s child abuse and never permissible. However, it needs to have enough sting that it’s an actual deterrent. They have to learn that sin has consequences. As a side note, be mindful of their instinct to reach back with their hand to block the spanking. That could be more painful and possibly cause injury to one of their fingers or wrist. Be careful that their hands are not in the way and that the spanking goes on that naturally cushioned part of the body.

Sixth, tell them you love them. I’ll be honest with you—these are the best, most loving moments I have with my kids. After the spanking, we always hug it out and tell each other we love one another.

Seventh, have them pray out loud (or lead them in prayer yourself asking them to repeat after you). It's important they learn to confess to God and ask for God’s help to not do it again.

Eighth, lead them to ask for forgiveness of the person they sinned against. “Go say sorry to Mommy” or whatever the case may be. They need to learn to be responsible, take ownership of their wrongdoing, and make amends.

Ninth, provide formative instruction. It goes hand in hand with corrective discipline. It’s hard to correct behavior if we’re not giving proper guidance to begin with. We can’t expect our kids to be mind readers. We can’t expect them to naturally follow after God’s ways. They won’t. They need righteous instruction. They need to be taught what is godly behavior. They need parents who will speak loving truth and truthful love into their hearts.

Here are just a couple of additional suggestions. Don’t count (“1, 2, 3”). When we ask our child to do something or to stop something, they need to learn to heed the instruction immediately. Providing a countdown actually teaches our kids that instant, immediate obedience isn’t important. It trains them to think that all that matters is heeding mom or dad just before it escalates to a spanking. Counting teaches our kids that listening to God’s instruction doesn’t have to be instant and immediate. That’s the opposite of the kind of transformation we’d like to see take place in their lives.

Don’t use chores as punishment. Chores are good. Our kids need to grow up doing chores. Work is good. Helping to clean the house, cooking, doing laundry and yard work are good things—important life skills to learn. It’s part of the discipline of being a mature adult. We don’t want to instill a negative mindset toward chores and work.

If you do threaten discipline, then you HAVE to follow up. We can’t allow for our warnings to grow hollow and empty. Simply providing threat without actually carrying it out makes us out to be manipulative at best and liars at worst. It trains our kids not to trust us and to have no respect for us.

Corrective discipline is a very good thing. When we discipline our kids the right way we’re actually following God’s example. He is a good Father who disciplines us because He loves us (Hebrews 12:7-11). Discipline is one of the ways we come to understand the difference between right and wrong. Corrective discipline is tough and difficult. It’s hard to do, especially the right way, but it’s in the best interest of our kids. It’s an act of love by which we shepherd their heart that they may be love-filled, faith-filled, hope-filled followers of Jesus.

In awe of Jesus,
Pastor Rick