Unmasking Santa
Exactly who is Santa Claus? Few topics are as confrontational and divisive as attempting to "out" the true identity of Santa. Nothing has resulted in more wars, family feuds, or denominational splits than the attempt to unmask Santa Claus.
The time has come for humanity to band together and usher in a new era of hope and peace. To do so we must honestly confront the single most important question before the human race: who is Santa Claus? Years of oral tradition have blended truthful accounts with that which is myth and fable. Add to that countless claymation specials and what we are left with is a plethora of nonsensical sentiments about who Santa Claus is.
The purpose of this blog is not to ascertain exactly who Santa is. That is a riddle far greater than this blog post can address. But perhaps we can begin to shed light and start to alleviate some of the confusion. It is the writer's belief that clues have arisen that can help point us in the right direction.
1) Base of Operation:
Tradition states that Santa operates out of the North Pole. However, evidence indicates otherwise. Consider that on Christmas day countless numbers of people receive a gift from Santa Claus. Specifically, millions of people receive an Apple product (computer, tablet, phone, etc.). According to accounts, Santa has a workshop in which these gifts are made. In other words, Santa's elves are busy making Apple products. So, where on the planet is it okay to knock-off name brand products and to infringe upon trademark and copyright law without regard to the company that owns the proprietary technology? Answer: China. All these years we've been searching for Santa in the North Pole when clearly he operates out of China.
2) Training:
Tradition teaches that Santa enters into our homes, deposits gifts, and leaves without notice. His stealth is unprecedented and unrivaled. The only individuals known to possess this kind of stealth are ninjas. Perhaps "ole St. Nick" is not of northern European descent. At the very least, he spent extensive time in a shaolin temple.
3) Personality:
Clearly, the individual known as Santa Claus suffers from next-level arrogance. He is so cocky in his ninja skills that he does his stealth work while wearing a bright red, winterized track suit. Ninjas are masters of disguise, using disguise to blend in and become part of their surroundings. Furthermore, historically accurate movies such as American Ninja 3 educate us that ninjas usually dress in black to avoid detection. Yet, the ninja known as Santa is so arrogant that he performs his annual ritual while wearing the least stealthy attire possible. Add to that the fact that he wears bells and what we're left with is a personality profile of cockiness on a psychopathic scale.
4) Name:
If you take the letters in the name Santa Claus and rearrange them, you get nasalcaust. I don't know what that says about Santa, but it is very interesting.
5) Anti-Environmentalist:
Santa may be the most un-environmentally friendly person in human history. Countless numbers of trees are destroyed each year simply to provide Christmas present wrapping paper. Clearly, Christmas is the most anti-green day of the year.
6) Liberal:
Santa must be a left-leaning liberal. Why? Think about what it is that he is trying to accomplish. His life's work is attempting to legislate behavior and morality through an entitlement program. He is checking to see who is naughty and nice (note that we've never been told exactly what Santa considers to be naughty or nice. This is probably so that he may change his standard whenever he likes). Once he decides who is naughty and who is nice, he rewards (i.e. gives nice gifts) and punishes (i.e. gives coal) as he sees fit (i.e. sole authoritarian regime). His goal is to get people to act a certain way by way of giving stuff.
7) Hypocrite:
Like the pigs in the book Animal Farm, Santa sees himself as above his own standard of morality. He is a hypocrite. As he flies on his sleigh, he violates international aviation procedures and violates the air space of sovereign nations. He breaks into homes. He takes milk and cookies. And worst of all, he is a home wrecker. Just think of the song I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus. What kind of a person hits on a married woman on Christmas with her husband and children in the house? Naughty scoundrel! He is far from displaying the nice behavior he supposedly desires others to exhibit.
8) Master of the Black Arts:
Whoever this man may be, he is a master of dark magic. He can conjure the magic to produce flying mammals. Furthermore, through his mastery of the black arts, he has been able to spellbind a legion of elves to do his dirty work in sweat shops year round (another bit of evidence pointing to China as his base of operations).
We may not be able to precisely unveil who Santa Claus may be, but we can be certain that the traditional myth we have been fed is terribly erroneous. Perhaps this new profile will help us to track down this figure so that we may put an end to all the confusion. And maybe then, we will be able to enjoy the hope and peace we all desire.
Then again, we could simply look to Jesus. For God so loved the world that He gave His Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. Jesus is God's gift to us. Jesus offers eternal life. It's a free gift of God's grace. This is the message of Christmas. God doesn't give us eternal life because we are nice as opposed to naughty. He gives it to us because He loves us. We don't earn it, nor do we deserve it. That's what Christmas is all about...a celebration of God's love, grace, and mercy through His Son Jesus Christ. Jesus is our hope and peace. We receive this new life believing in God's Son and giving ourselves to follow Him.
Merry Christmas!
Pastor Rick
anthem-church.org
The time has come for humanity to band together and usher in a new era of hope and peace. To do so we must honestly confront the single most important question before the human race: who is Santa Claus? Years of oral tradition have blended truthful accounts with that which is myth and fable. Add to that countless claymation specials and what we are left with is a plethora of nonsensical sentiments about who Santa Claus is.
The purpose of this blog is not to ascertain exactly who Santa is. That is a riddle far greater than this blog post can address. But perhaps we can begin to shed light and start to alleviate some of the confusion. It is the writer's belief that clues have arisen that can help point us in the right direction.
1) Base of Operation:
Tradition states that Santa operates out of the North Pole. However, evidence indicates otherwise. Consider that on Christmas day countless numbers of people receive a gift from Santa Claus. Specifically, millions of people receive an Apple product (computer, tablet, phone, etc.). According to accounts, Santa has a workshop in which these gifts are made. In other words, Santa's elves are busy making Apple products. So, where on the planet is it okay to knock-off name brand products and to infringe upon trademark and copyright law without regard to the company that owns the proprietary technology? Answer: China. All these years we've been searching for Santa in the North Pole when clearly he operates out of China.
2) Training:
Tradition teaches that Santa enters into our homes, deposits gifts, and leaves without notice. His stealth is unprecedented and unrivaled. The only individuals known to possess this kind of stealth are ninjas. Perhaps "ole St. Nick" is not of northern European descent. At the very least, he spent extensive time in a shaolin temple.
3) Personality:
Clearly, the individual known as Santa Claus suffers from next-level arrogance. He is so cocky in his ninja skills that he does his stealth work while wearing a bright red, winterized track suit. Ninjas are masters of disguise, using disguise to blend in and become part of their surroundings. Furthermore, historically accurate movies such as American Ninja 3 educate us that ninjas usually dress in black to avoid detection. Yet, the ninja known as Santa is so arrogant that he performs his annual ritual while wearing the least stealthy attire possible. Add to that the fact that he wears bells and what we're left with is a personality profile of cockiness on a psychopathic scale.
4) Name:
If you take the letters in the name Santa Claus and rearrange them, you get nasalcaust. I don't know what that says about Santa, but it is very interesting.
5) Anti-Environmentalist:
Santa may be the most un-environmentally friendly person in human history. Countless numbers of trees are destroyed each year simply to provide Christmas present wrapping paper. Clearly, Christmas is the most anti-green day of the year.
6) Liberal:
Santa must be a left-leaning liberal. Why? Think about what it is that he is trying to accomplish. His life's work is attempting to legislate behavior and morality through an entitlement program. He is checking to see who is naughty and nice (note that we've never been told exactly what Santa considers to be naughty or nice. This is probably so that he may change his standard whenever he likes). Once he decides who is naughty and who is nice, he rewards (i.e. gives nice gifts) and punishes (i.e. gives coal) as he sees fit (i.e. sole authoritarian regime). His goal is to get people to act a certain way by way of giving stuff.
7) Hypocrite:
Like the pigs in the book Animal Farm, Santa sees himself as above his own standard of morality. He is a hypocrite. As he flies on his sleigh, he violates international aviation procedures and violates the air space of sovereign nations. He breaks into homes. He takes milk and cookies. And worst of all, he is a home wrecker. Just think of the song I Saw Mama Kissing Santa Claus. What kind of a person hits on a married woman on Christmas with her husband and children in the house? Naughty scoundrel! He is far from displaying the nice behavior he supposedly desires others to exhibit.
8) Master of the Black Arts:
Whoever this man may be, he is a master of dark magic. He can conjure the magic to produce flying mammals. Furthermore, through his mastery of the black arts, he has been able to spellbind a legion of elves to do his dirty work in sweat shops year round (another bit of evidence pointing to China as his base of operations).
We may not be able to precisely unveil who Santa Claus may be, but we can be certain that the traditional myth we have been fed is terribly erroneous. Perhaps this new profile will help us to track down this figure so that we may put an end to all the confusion. And maybe then, we will be able to enjoy the hope and peace we all desire.
Then again, we could simply look to Jesus. For God so loved the world that He gave His Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. Jesus is God's gift to us. Jesus offers eternal life. It's a free gift of God's grace. This is the message of Christmas. God doesn't give us eternal life because we are nice as opposed to naughty. He gives it to us because He loves us. We don't earn it, nor do we deserve it. That's what Christmas is all about...a celebration of God's love, grace, and mercy through His Son Jesus Christ. Jesus is our hope and peace. We receive this new life believing in God's Son and giving ourselves to follow Him.
Merry Christmas!
Pastor Rick
anthem-church.org
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