Why Vampires Can't Go To Heaven

The following is a very frank and formal academic investigation on the nature of vampirism and how it is affected by the eschatological ramifications of divine decree as exposed in the pages of the plenary inspired writ of holy canon. May you find this study an edifying enterprise. Enjoy!

1) Dermatological Considerations:

Based on our well-informed knowledge about vampires, we know that they suffer from a severe melanin disorder. Their skin is fully devoid of any skin melanin. Melanin is a photoprotectant. It absorbs UV radiation and converts the energy into harmless heat. Without melanin, a vampire lacks protection from UV radiation. Thus, exposure to sunlight results in the vampire's body becoming a small thermo-nuclear device. This is why they explode when they come into contact with sunlight.

In heaven there will be light, but it won't be sunlight. In fact, the light in heaven will be way more intense than sunlight. The light in heaven is going to be God's glory. Well, if a vampire can't survive mere sunlight, how can it survive the light of God's glory? What a dazzling visual light show that would be - to see God's UV (unlimited-voltage) light ignite a vampire.

2) Metabolic Considerations:

High level research has shown that vampires require the consumption of blood in order to maintain adequate metabolic function. Not having the ability to digest raw food, they have to ingest what others have digested and absorbed into their blood stream. This is nothing short of parasitic behavior. Vampires have no choice but to live off of the life of people and animals.

In heaven the only food available will be from a tree which produces twelve kinds of fruit. Blood will not be on the menu. More importantly, what will sustain life in heaven is God Himself, His power and grace. Thus, in heaven vampires would starve to death.

 

3) Biological Considerations:

According to well documented sources, we know that vampires are classified as the "undead." Like their zombie cousins, they are neither dead nor alive. To put it in terms of the Princess Bride, they are "mostly dead."

In heaven there will be no room for the undead. Citizenship in heaven is very exclusive. It's only for the living. Residence is limited to those who were once spiritually dead but have been raised to LIFE in Christ. Thus, by definition vampires (the undead) have no place in heaven. And, not to mention that heaven will smell good (like bacon and Krispy Kreme donuts). The smell of the undead just wouldn't fit into heaven.

4) Mortalological Considerations:

Our crack team of investigatory researchers have found that contrary to popular belief vampires are not immortal. In fact, they are highly mortal. They are easily killed. A mere stake through the heart, decapitation, garlic bread (or garlic in any form), sprinkling with holy water, and as already mentioned UV radiation render the undead into a state of fully dead. 

In heaven, its citizens will have glorified, imperishable, incorruptible, and immortal bodies, like the one Jesus received when He was resurrected. In this state, heaven's citizens will never fear death by any means. With these bodies heaven's citizens could get bulls-eyed by a death star and still survive. So how can vampires which are so mortal that garlic bread possess an imminent threat be along side those who are truly immortal?

5) Optical Considerations:

One of the more interesting facts about vampires is their inability to reflect. If one stands in front of a mirror, their image is not reflected. Folklore teaches that mirrors reflect the soul but because vampires are the undead they have no soul, and thus they have nothing to reflect. Their soulless state renders them unable to reflect. This is probably good for vampires since seeing their pale skin, varicose veins, and bad game show host hair in the mirror would lead to a terrible self-image and perhaps depression.

In heaven it's citizens will reflect God. Man was uniquely made in the image of God. Humanity was created as God's image bearers. The human race was made to reflect God and His glory. While other things in creation may have the ability to declare God's glory (i.e. the heavens) and even share in God's glory (i.e. angels), man is the only being created by God which has the distinct ability to reflect His glory. So how can a being which cannot even reflect it's own image, reflect the image of the Creator?

6) Existential Considerations:

Perhaps this is the most important of all the considerations in attempting to ascertain why vampires can't go to heaven. They don't exist! Sorry to break the news to all of the Anne Rice, Bram Stoker, Twilight fans. Unlike werewolves, there's no such thing as vampires. Long live the lycans.